One hell of a day

   So I was excited I was making new friends friends in this lifestyle that I could hang out with in my vanilla life as well. Until I started seeing a pattern, I am only good for one thing and one thing only and that is sex. When I don't sleep with them because I'm not a whore they leave, they pretend to be my friend we make plans to hang out then they stand me up. I feel like once again I am worthless, never enough for anyone. I seem to fail at everything when it comes to relationships, I'm not even sure why I even bother trying anymore. I think some where in my heart deep inside my heart and my soul I believe and so desperately want someone to love me. I want someone to love me for who I am, and who ever I become, someone to stand beside me through everything, to be there for me when I need them, the good and the bad.
  I dream about the life that I want, and pray everyday that it comes true. I have many dreams for my life, things like a beautiful wedding like Cinderella's in a castle with a beautiful gown, horse drown carriage. In the end it comes down to finally being happy, to find happiness and not be afraid to except it. I am afraid to let people into my life and get close, I'm afraid to be loved or cared for or except anything from anyone. I always live in fear of being hurt by someone due to everything that has happened to me in the past. I strive not to make the same mistakes twice. and learn from everything that I and that happens in my life. But at the same time I want thing to well for me, I want my dreams to come true and I want to be happy.
I want to believe that the person that says that they love me really does, I want to believe he means everything that he says and all my dreams will come true. But all my fears kick in afraid that I will get hurt again, even though my heart wants to be with him my mind is scared. I struggle every day to over come my fears, to go for my dreams. I want to go for everything I want and never be held back, I pray that for once I can have all my dreams come true. I hope that I can have someone with the patience,love, and caring to help get through everything I need to in order to be happy and fulfill my dreams.