Inside guilt

  So I did something so stupid and I am disappointed in myself, I know it was wrong and I not only left myself down but others that love me as well.  I went to someone that I thought would be disappointed but would also give me the discipline I needed, I knew I deserved whatever punishment I received.  I made the dreaded text to call when he was free and a few hours later I received a Skype call asking what I had done, I grudgingly told him only to discover someone else was there which bothered me as I was embarrassed and upset enough, but to get off topic talk about other things and have the other person get upset for no reason so he had to rush off and never return my call. Then find out later all that he had to say was "everyone deserves a second chance" I usually agree with that statement if it is a first time event, however it wasn't, I have been battling my weakness for a long time and was doing better. I felt rejected and as though he didn't care, I know that may not be true but he simply has more important things to do than deal with my days in and days out of break downs and mood swings or trying to figure out if I'm really OK or just saying I am. I am a fairly closed off person as I want to be to ensure nobody gets too close.  I hate feeling rejected, I really was hoping he would punish me to at ease the feeling of guilt and help me forgive myself .  
  I decided to finally tell him how I was feeling, strait forward and honest. I wasn't rude or mean just wrote how I felt. I am still waiting on a reply, not that will help or he will care but I felt I needed to tell him. I tend to care to much what others think. I love to easily and forgive to fast. I guess it's just part of who I am.

Dreams

  Dreams are a funny thing, some say they are what your mind thinks or wants, I'm not sure about that I think it is my mind playing tricks on me. I had things crazy wonderful dream last night, in this dream the man I fell in love with proposed in the middle of the CCM party in OCT, now I know that it will never happen but wow it was a awesome dream. For as much as I wish something like that would happen I know that it wouldn't, it's ok as I know that I have enough issue's to resolve and enough feeling to understand. 
  I can't help but wander what having something like that happen would be like, what kind of happiness I could have. I often wonder what I have to do to earn such a thing. I hope that one day I find out.

Always thinking of you

I want you to know I think about you everyday
You are in my heart where you will always stay
Through each passing day
My love grows, never sways
I wait for the day when I see you face to face 
When I feel your tender touch
And taste your sweet kiss
And inhale your scent
And never forget anything about you
My body longs to have yours fit perfectly inside mine
To have your arms wrapped me
And your legs tangled in mine
We are two hearts beating as one
Two lives joined together 
Two people's love bound into one
Every moment apart is a moment lost
For every moment lost a tear drops
I hope we are where we belong soon
in each others arms
For every moment spent apart my heart yearns for you
My loves grows fonder and I hold onto that little piece of faith that says we are meant to be 
And I pray that you hold my heart close to yours and protect it and never break it.

Just a little something I put together!

Too many emotions

  I have too many emotions running through me, everything from loneliness, fear, excitement and confusion and more. The one I'm most afraid of is love, I'm afraid if I let someone in, to get close to love me and possibly hurt me. For as much as I hate the feeling of worthlessness and being unloved and unwanted I'm afraid of being hurt again, I'm afraid that I can't handle having my heart broken again.
  I always worry about my life and where I'm going and where I"m going to end up, I do the best I can for my kids as well as for myself to ensure that we have the best life possible. I have been hurt so bad that now when I am told that I am loved I can't believe it,because who would want to love me? Who would want me? I don't see what I have to offer, I don't see myself as anything worth a damn.
  Nothing I do nor I have I ever done has ever been worth a damn and is never good enough. No matter how hard I try I will never have the fairy tale life, or any of my dreams come true. I can always dream and think about what it would it would be like, or I could attempt to try one more time for love. One more time to let someone love me, one more time to let some one care about me and my kids. I will never believe I will have my fairy tale wedding or hell ever get married again, I know I will never have that. But can anyone really love me enough to want a family with my kids and I? To love us to unconditionally and want us forever? I really hope so... I hope I can give it one more shot.

One hell of a day

   So I was excited I was making new friends friends in this lifestyle that I could hang out with in my vanilla life as well. Until I started seeing a pattern, I am only good for one thing and one thing only and that is sex. When I don't sleep with them because I'm not a whore they leave, they pretend to be my friend we make plans to hang out then they stand me up. I feel like once again I am worthless, never enough for anyone. I seem to fail at everything when it comes to relationships, I'm not even sure why I even bother trying anymore. I think some where in my heart deep inside my heart and my soul I believe and so desperately want someone to love me. I want someone to love me for who I am, and who ever I become, someone to stand beside me through everything, to be there for me when I need them, the good and the bad.
  I dream about the life that I want, and pray everyday that it comes true. I have many dreams for my life, things like a beautiful wedding like Cinderella's in a castle with a beautiful gown, horse drown carriage. In the end it comes down to finally being happy, to find happiness and not be afraid to except it. I am afraid to let people into my life and get close, I'm afraid to be loved or cared for or except anything from anyone. I always live in fear of being hurt by someone due to everything that has happened to me in the past. I strive not to make the same mistakes twice. and learn from everything that I and that happens in my life. But at the same time I want thing to well for me, I want my dreams to come true and I want to be happy.
I want to believe that the person that says that they love me really does, I want to believe he means everything that he says and all my dreams will come true. But all my fears kick in afraid that I will get hurt again, even though my heart wants to be with him my mind is scared. I struggle every day to over come my fears, to go for my dreams. I want to go for everything I want and never be held back, I pray that for once I can have all my dreams come true. I hope that I can have someone with the patience,love, and caring to help get through everything I need to in order to be happy and fulfill my dreams.

A little peak inside my life

  I don't have many things in my life I am proud of, So the few things that I have accomplished I hold dear to my heart. The 2 most most important things in my life are my kids, the are my miracles I thank God every day for them. I have been published twice for my poetry and have won four editors choice awards.  I wish I had more to be proud of, I really do but I seem to be better at making mistakes then anything else.
  I can't say that I really have any regrets only because that would be saying I regret some of the best things that happened to me. I admit I made some wrong decisions and have done things I shouldn't have, but I hold no regrets. 
  I think there is something wrong with me that make people mainly men want to hurt me, emotionally, physically,mentally and every other way possible other wise why would they want to all the time. I think if there wasn't something wrong with me then I would always end up in the same relationships. I really am tired of being hurt and I pray that I can finally find love, true love someone who will love me for who I am and not try to force me to be who they want me to be. 
  There are so many things that makes me, me.  From my personality, to my fetishes, to needing discipline in my life, basically needing to be saved from myself. So much seems to be missing right now and I feel so lost. I feel myself drifting away and going through the motions of life but not really living it. I don't feel like I'm who I'm suppose to be, but I'm afraid to be anyone else. I keep running with no where to go, I keep hoping I will figure out where I am suppose to go, where I belong.